


i get the joy of rediscovering you

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Series: i've got every night with you [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Nardole - Freeform, Post-Episode: 2015 Xmas The Husbands of River Song, Pre-Episode: 2015 Xmas The Husbands of River Song, Sappy Twelve, Vulnerable River, and river refusing to open up, but they don’t realise it’s fucking mutual, flangst, so they make a fool out of themselves while the Tardis watches, that’s a thing now, the doctor being oblivious again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-13 23:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14122935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: “Melody Pond,” a hand rests gently on her neck and she shivers. She hasn’t been called by her birth name since Manhattan and he knows it. “My beautiful, clever, amazing, /idiotic/ wife.”She opens her mouth in protest but he hushes her.





	i get the joy of rediscovering you

**Author's Note:**

> Alas! Part Three! I gotta tell you man, this was so difficult to write and that’s why this took wayy longer than I anticipated. But I’ve reedited this about a thousand times and I have no idea how to improve this anymore. Also if I reread this fic again I will honestly throw up. So, here ya’ll go!
> 
> I have to tell you, it is a little ooc. I don’t know how to change that without changing the whole point of the story, so I just left it as it is and made a few tweaks here and there. I hope it isn’t too draggy or confusing because it does switch pov a lot.

_She sank to her knees in the living room and cried._

She cries for her parents, for the Doctor, for her marriage and for herself because _oh, River why couldn’t you just suck it up?_ She cries over the things she’d said because she knows just how totally accurate they were. She cries because she’s a bloody _obligation_ and the Doctor hadn’t even tried to correct her. She cries because there used to be three people in the universe she’d die for and all three have left her. She cries because her parents spent the rest of their lives loving each other – and she can’t ever have that. Not with the person she wants.

She buries her face in her hands and cries and cries and cries until she can’t manage it. There’s no tear left to squeeze out. She pushes her tear soaked hair out of the way and lifts her head to inspect the space around her. Thank God she never allowed the Doctor to set foot in this place because she doesn’t think she can deal with anything that reminds her of him now.

Pushing herself up on unsteady knees, she makes her way to the bathroom to change. She might as well try to catch up on some sleep while she’s here. She moves on autopilot – half-conscious of her actions – and when she puts baby oil in her hair instead of conditioner, she decides to call it a day.

She sinks down on the edge of the bed and is about to get comfortable when her eye catches the empty hook behind the bedroom door where their bow tie used to hang, and she stands abruptly –

_His eyes are cold and uncaring as he holds their bow tie out of the Tardis doors, the wind outside making the thin fabric fly every which way. He holds it between two fingers, as if even touching the fabric makes him disgusted. He holds it as if it’s just that – a bow tie, of no significance to him, who has so many._

_She has just the one._

_She doesn’t move a muscle, doesn’t even dare to open her mouth because he’s holding that bow tie like it’s a piece of garbage to be disposed of instead of their wedding ring. He’s holding it like it isn’t one of her most treasured possessions – even though he knows damn well what that piece of cloth means to her, and if he_ dares _to –_

_He lets go of it. Of her._

_“Don’t bother coming back.”_

_“Don’t bother waiting for me.”_

– and heads to the liquor cabinet.

*

She remembers suddenly.

It’s two days later, and she’s in the middle of planning various lessons when suddenly she recalls –

_“Professor River Song!”_

_She twirls around, a sharp scolding on her tongue when suddenly her tongue is quite occupied. She stills for a moment, her reflexes still alert when she realises just who had decided it was a good idea to make out with her while she’s in the middle of a lecture. Suddenly aware of all the students staring wide-eyed at the sight of their Professor snogging a stranger in the middle of class, she eases apart from the Doctor and wipes a trace of lipstick she left at the corner of his mouth._

_She turns to her class, smirking as the Doctor turns red with embarrassment when he realises where they are. She raises an eyebrow at him and says dryly, “Sorry, everyone. My husband has yet to learn how to keep his hands off me.”_

_The tension in the room breaks instantly as the students start murmuring to each other, no doubt gossiping about their Professor being married when she didn’t even wear a ring. A student in the front row mutters loudly, “Lucky git.” and the Doctor nods wholeheartedly, gazing at River like she’s the sun. She smiles, blushing slightly._

_When she enters the Tardis, everything’s different. She’s being greeted by purple lights and slick metal instead of wobbly levers and a yellow console - and she stands back to inspect all the changes, impressed._

\- that in _Manhattan_ , the Tardis had been all bright lights and wobbly levers.

He must have thought she was after Manhattan.

Hope sparks in her chest and she squashes it down cautiously - but even so, she can’t help but remember the way he had reacted to her question about Amy and Rory’s whereabouts. She remembers how he had paused a tad bit longer than normal, and how he had sounded strained and forced as he answered her. At first, she’d thought that it was because he was just getting used to the idea of his companions having a life without him. Now, she isn’t so sure. And right after that, he had immediately changed the destination of their date - something she had thought was out of impulse - and everything clicks instantly.

He’d been looking for her. Not just any old version of her, but more specifically, _Post-Manhattan_ her.

She grins. She can’t help it.

Her idiot husband is still in a whole lot of trouble when he shows up, but just the knowledge that he’s out there somewhere, looking for her, trying to make things right between them, makes the fury in her heart quell and the ache ease just a little bit. She only hopes that he finds her quickly, because the next semester starts in two weeks and she can hardly take time off _then_. No matter what she says, being a Professor is equal parts rewarding and exhausting, which is why time-travelling shenanigans usually take a back seat while she’s commanding the lecture hall.

Sighing happily - and still grinning like an idiot - she settles back on her sofa, and waits.

*

Her patience lasts a semester. Honestly, she’s surprised she lasted this long. Then again, teaching students in Luna University and going on expeditions and digs has kept her very well occupied. Plus, she really is in her element here - supervising students on expeditions, gaining permission to go out on digs and to excavate sites, planning said digs and researching their finds - there aren’t a lot of things she’s better at than that.

However, the second the bell rings at the end of her last class of the semester, she’s out of the door before any of her students can stop her. She reaches her house in record time, racing around and grabbing everything she might need, throwing it carelessly into a knapsack that’s bigger on the inside. She empties her closet and leaves a note for the housekeeper that comes in once a week to let her know that she’ll be gone for a few weeks, and leaves a tidy sum in advance just in case she doesn’t get back on time. She straps on her vortex manipulator and vanishes just as a puff of smoke and a loud crack fills the room.

She starts as usual - she throws herself into danger with as much grace and finesse as she can muster, gathering intel on heinous criminals and their plans. She’s completely positive that the Doctor will show up somewhere, probably when she least expects him to. He does love to surprise her.

So she saves cities and planets and civilisations, topples slave trades and cults and dictators hell-bent on tyranny, solves unsolvable murders and watches with a smirk as the culprit gets thrown behind bars.

She continues this for a good four months. It’s becoming second nature to look over her shoulder as she runs, expecting the Doctor to appear behind her and catch her wrist as they run together. But it never happens. He never shows up.

She picks up a companion - a short, bald and stocky man named Nardole who is unwaveringly loyal and possesses a quick sense of humour she appreciates. He accompanies her on various adventures, assisting in any and every way he can until she’s comfortable enough with him to call him a friend. They’ve gotten to a point in their friendship where she calls him up to accompany her on non-lethal adventures, such as shopping (which he does grudgingly).

They’re together in a busy street market at a planet called Akhaten, looking at beautiful jewellery when she suddenly spots a man that looks remarkably like the Doctor out of the corner of her eye. She spins around so fast she very nearly knocks Nardole off balance. Reaching out an arm to steady him, she thinks that her longing to see her husband has finally gotten the better of her, when the man sinks into her line of vision again.

Oh, it’s him alright.

He’s looking in the opposite direction, at another jewellery store selling worn rings, but she can still see his face clearly from the way that he’s standing.

She’s missed that face. His hair is still floppy and his eyebrows are still nonexistent. His chin is still big and he’s still wearing a bow tie, but instead of tweed, he’s wearing a long maroon overcoat.

She watches as he picks up a ring - it’s simple, plain and silver - and puts it on his ring finger. It doesn’t fit very well, but he likes it enough to buy it anyway, slipping it carefully into the inside of his coat. The vendor takes out another ring - it matches the one he’d just bought, but it’s been made for a woman’s hand instead. The Doctor’s eyes light up and she hears him say, “This is absolutely perfect, thank you.”

She smiles, thinking about the best way to surprise him when a very pretty girl with brown hair and wide eyes appears at his shoulder. She stops herself from approaching them, watching them interact for a while. After two minutes, she’s cursing herself for horrible decision to land here when there are over a million other street markets in the universe - other street markets where her husband isn’t currently present at. Other street markets where her husband isn’t _flirting_ and looking at somebody else with that spark in his eyes that makes her want to throw up. He’s looking at the girl like she’s a whole new mystery for him to solve, and he’s excited about it.

It’s exactly the way he used to look at _her_.

A knot in her stomach tightens and tears sting at her eyes but she refuses to let them fall. She shuts her eyes for a moment and bites her lip in frustration because _River Song you are a goddamn fool._ Of course he isn’t looking for her. Of course he’s found someone else to travel with. Of _course_ he’s found someone to replace her. Why did she ever think she meant more to him? He’d thrown their wedding ring out, for God’s sake.

God, she wants so badly to be angry at him, but she can’t. She can’t hold it against him for finding someone else when he’d made it crystal clear that he was only ever humouring her for her parents’ sakes. So instead, she gets angry for herself for ever hoping that he’d actually try to find her, for thinking that she’d _meant_ something.

“Are you alright, Ma’am?” Nardole asks from behind her.

She opens her eyes again and arranges her face into a calm expression, turning around to face Nardole. He’s looking at her strangely, as if he knows something is wrong but he can’t place it exactly. She nods, not trusting her voice to come out steadily. She clears her throat hastily and ignores his concerned frown.

“Are you done?” She asks, but doesn’t wait for a reply. “Excellent, we’ve got to get to that meeting with the Halassi Emperess -”

“That’s three days from now!” He protests. She raises her eyebrows threateningly and he quickly backtracks. “Which would make sense for us to start preparing early. Right.”

*

She throws herself into the mission. The Halassi Emperess had approached her for her services, and the task was simple - retrieve the Halassi Androvar from King Hydroflax’s head and destroy it. The Emperess was rather adamant on the destroying part. She seemed to think that the most valuable diamond in the universe had no place in healthy society. River begged to differ.

Throwing herself into her work helps her forget all about her husband’s other endeavours. She finds herself occupied to the last second because if she stops, even for a moment, the knowledge that her husband hadn’t even given a damn about where she was just makes it _hurt_ so much. He was perfectly content with throwing their relationship out, and though she knew it was because she had never had his love, she had thought that he’d at least cared enough to make things right between them first before going out with someone else.

She plans the mission meticulously, down to the very last detail. It takes her several long months to work out the kinks, and Nardole proves to be a valuable asset when it comes to spotting splinters in her mission plan. In the midst of everything, she hires a pretty boy called Ramone to help out with the mission. Much to Nardole’s disapproval, she charms Ramone enough to keep her bed warm at night and marries him in a spur of the moment ceremony - only to erase it that afternoon, when he was being annoyingly jealous and possessive.

Despite Nardole’s disapproval of the nature of their relationship, the two get along quite well. They work well together, trusting each other the way only two people involved in high-risk missions might. She’s glad that she’s found the right people for the mission, because if she has to call the Doctor and his new girlfriend up for help she might just -

Her vortex manipulator short circuits, and she curses the bloody thing to hell. She can’t even repair it, because it would take too long, and she _needs_ to use it for the mission and -

Oh, fuck. She needs time travel. She needs the Tardis and that means that she _does_ need to call the Doctor up for help.

She looks over at the meticulous plan she’s spent weeks perfecting and groans, tearing it off from the chalkboard. She needs to start from scratch.

*

It takes another week to perfect the plan this time. She’s kept the original structure of the plan, replaced a few things to fit with the Tardis and contacted the finest surgeon in the galaxy to help.

It’s almost too easy, she thinks, to seduce a man with such a big ego. She appeals to his need to hear how he’s _saved her,_ how he’s _the only one_ , how she can’t ever _give him up._ He eats it all up like the idiot he is.

She marries him in a week.

King Hydroflax is the most brutal, ruthless tyrant she’s ever had the displeasure of meeting but it’s essential that he doesn’t doubt her. She plays the part of a devoted wife, casting him loving eyes and caressing his face fondly. The only upside of being married to the bastard is that she doesn’t have to drop her knickers for him. His idea of sex is a long head massage, and when she realises it, she wants to laugh at her luck. Every time she’s done, he pays no mind to her needs, expecting her to be satisfied that he allows her to give him the pleasure of pressing her fingertips to his head. She doesn’t really mind. She hardly wants to sit on his face.

After a few weeks of (what Hydroflax obviously thinks is) domestic bliss, she sets her plans in motion. She crashes Hydroflax’s ship in Mendorax Dellora, 5145. After a little digging, she’d found that this was the closest intersection to the Doctor’s timeline that matched the course of the ship. She only hopes that she’s lucky enough to get a version of him that doesn’t recognise her yet. She honestly doesn’t want to deal with his babyface right now.

After sending Nardole out to fetch the surgeon, she readies herself for her entrance.

*

_“River!”_

The moment he sees the golden curls, a smile stretches across his face. He hasn’t smiled in so long that it feels foreign now, his muscles taut and protesting. The moment he realises that she doesn’t recognise him, the smile disappears completely - for a while, he’s certain she’s playing a game with him, but when she genuinely seems to be unaware of exactly who he is, he simply takes the opportunity to be around her. Besides, he’s fairly sure he’d never see her again.

He’s a little put off when he discovers that she’s been marrying other people in his absence - but then again, he can’t blame her. He hasn’t exactly been a very good husband to her, anyway. He can’t help the jealous rage that burns inside him every time she kisses that pretty boy, though. He’s always been a bit possessive when it comes to River.

Everything changes instantly when the blue person plucks River’s diary out of her hands. River is struggling and shouting and he almost reaches a hand out in comfort before remembering that he doesn’t have the privilege of touching her like that anymore. He settles for glaring at the blue waiter, willing him to burn up on the spot.

The idiot starts reading River’s diary out loud and he wants to choke him. River is completely calm, speaking as though she’s merely talking about the weather instead of threatening their lives. Her eyes betray anger she’s feeling even as her entire body is relaxed and when she speaks, her casual tone is laced with menace and promise. It’s the voice she uses when she has a plan.

He smirks and almost sags with relief, but the blue bastard keeps talking and -

“And you’ve just beeen to Manhattan.”

He swivels his head to face her, but she isn’t looking.

She’s - she’s _after_ Manhattan.

After over a thousand years, he’s finally found Post-Manhattan River. He forces himself to hide his elation at the revelation because now they can _be_ together, and have adventures and do the whole husband and wife thing properly.

He sobers instantly because _they’re going to take his head, snap out of it._

But his mind fills with images of River and him doing disgustingly domestic things together, staying together and waking up next to each other and he doesn’t manage to snap out of his daydream until they start questioning River about his whereabouts and he hears her say, “The Doctor does not and has never loved me. I’m not lying.”

_She’s lying,_ he thinks. _She’s River and she lies all the time, this isn’t any different._

The goddamn robot scans her and confirms her honesty and he feels both his hearts sink. Then it hits him. He hasn’t apologised yet. He’s never told her that he loves her.

And yet to hear her say that, in that matter-of-fact tone, hurts more than anything.

He has to tell her who he is.

*

He looks at her. Really looks at her.

She’s beautiful and vulnerable and he doesn’t deserve an iota of her love after the way he’s treated her. He smiles because as usual, she’s found him. Just when he’s lost someone close to his hearts, she swoops back into his life and makes him smile, makes him laugh and _god_ he loves her so much.

“Hello sweetie.”

They fall immediately back into old ways.

*

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

She doesn’t reply, just looks at him like he’s everything she’s ever wanted, and his eyes flicker down to her lips. She’s wary, he knows, so he makes the first move - he moves his hand to hold hers gently, prying her fingers from the railing. She turns her body towards him and he smiled reassuringly, pressing his lips against her temple.

“Dinner?” he asks, whispering in her ear.

She shivers slightly and he smiles, glad to see that he still affects her as much as she affects him. He feels her nod slowly against him and he pulls back, his smile faltering slightly when he sees the guarded look in her eyes. He doesn’t mention it, though. She’ll tell him when she’s comfortable. He laces their fingers together and leads her to the table, smiling warmly as he pulls the chair out for her.

She watches as he rounds the table and grasps the back of the chair opposite but he doesn’t just pull it out - he moves it, carrying it down the rectangular table and placing it next to her. He gives her another one of those toothy grins as he sits, taking her hand again.

They pass the time by talking about the menu, both of them determined to keep the conversation light and cheerful. It’s only after the waiter takes their orders and leaves them alone does the heavy silence between them seem stifling.

“What’s wrong, River?” he asks, and those blue eyes pierce her like they can see right through her soul.

She shakes her head. “Nothing.”

He doesn’t believe her. She isn’t looking at him, her gaze fixed on the candles placed on the table and he sighs because she’s _doing_ it again. Pretending she’s fine when she’s not. Pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. Hiding the damage.

Sod _that_.

“River, tell me.” he says gently. She’s still refusing to look at him, so he reaches out and takes her chin, forcing her eyes to meet his. _“Tell me.”_

She swallows. When she speaks, he can hear a slight tremble.

“You’re wearing a ring.”

He looks at the ring he’s wearing, then at her. She’s waiting for an answer, but she’s afraid. She’s afraid that the answer she hears will cause her even more pain than the last time they spoke.

“It isn’t a wedding ring.” he says.

“It’s on your ring finger.” she points out. “On your left hand.”

“It’s not - it isn’t what you think it is.” he sighs and lets go of her hand so that he can remove the ring. He hold it up for her to look at it properly and she eyes it as though it might hurt her. “It’s a promise I made to myself.”

She frowns but doesn’t say a thing. His answer hasn’t reassured her at all - she recognises the ring, of course, and now all she’s thinking about is its counterpart - whoever he gave it to. The ring looks as though it was made for this particular him and for a moment she pictures the pretty girl with the wide eyes wearing the other ring - and she bites her lip to muffle a frustrated scream.

Why can’t he just tell her? Why does he have to make everything so difficult? The man takes her to Darillium, wears a suit, tells her she looks beautiful, gives her a gift and tells her she’s always there when he needs her, but he can’t even bloody say what his stupid ring means?

Has he married someone else? Is that it? Is he - is he trying to let her down easy by giving her all of this shit, thinking it’s what she wants? If that’s it, he’s the most _stupid_ idiot because all she’s ever wanted is just for him to be her bloody husband but if he has someone else then why can’t he just _say_ so, instead of dragging her out like this and -

“River, River please, _please_ , calm down.”

She blinks and they’re both standing and he has both hands on her shoulders, rubbing them soothingly. She realises that her inner monologue wasn’t really _inner_ and flushes, covering her face with her hands. His hands trail down her sides and over her back, pulling her into a hug.

Holding her so close after over a thousand years apart feels new and familiar all at once. His arms were made for him to hold her close - they fit so perfectly. It feels amazing to be so near to her and to be able to touch her like this.

“I’m sorry for making you angry, that’s not what I - I just meant - ” he falters and curses himself silently because _didn’t you bloody plan this part, moron?_

“There’s no one else,” he says instead, because he can’t be sure that she isn’t going to try and leave. “Only you. Got that?”

She doesn’t reply so he pulls away to look into her eyes. He softens his gaze instantly when he sees that she’s crying silently.

“There’s no one else.” he repeats softly, brushing a thumb over her cheek.

“I saw you buying the ring.” she blurts and he freezes mid-motion. “I was at Akhaten that night, too. I was going to see you, because I was - well, I was finding you, but I saw you buy two rings and you were with someone else, so I didn’t... what? What is it?”

She trails off because he’s smiling, that same smile he used at Harmony and Redemption, right before she realises it’s him.

“It’s my promise.” he reaches into his pocket and pulls out another ring - almost identical to the one he’s wearing.

He pushes the silver band into her hand.

“I realised we never got wedding ring, so I bought one.” He looks up from her hands and into her eyes. “I promised myself I would never forget who I’m married to, wife.”

He realises it’s the perfect moment to kiss her - make her a promise and seal it with a kiss. But feeling all this... _desire_ and _love_ and having it be so blatanly present in his mind after centuries of repressing any romantic tendencies has made it difficult for his body to obey his brain. He freezes, fingers stroking her cheek and neck, his eyes still lingering on her lips.

She smiles reassuringly, as if sensing his hesitation. She takes the hand on her cheek and kisses his fingers sweetly, taking her time. His breathing becomes shallower and suddenly every reason he’s had for hating any form of physical contact dissipates as her lips make their way from finger to finger. Or maybe it’s just River.

He curls his fingers against her mouth and surges forward, capturing her lips and kissing her passionately. She sighs into the kiss and his heart fills to the brim with love for her. He pulls her closer, tugging on her hips and his holding her firmly in case she decides to let go.

For a moment, everything’s perfect. She’s perfect, the way their lips move against each other is perfect, and the way she clings onto his neck and doesn’t let go is just perfect.

She breaks away first, smiling that soft, forgiving smile. He presses a quick kiss on her lips and presses their foreheads together.

The waiter comes with their first course and the moment in lost.

*

After their first dinner, River learns that underneath the grumpy facade and angry eyebrows, _this_ Doctor is all sap.

He spends the entire night eating his meal with his left hand so that he can hold hers with his right. When she points out that he doesn’t have to hold on to her all night, his only response is to squeeze her hand pointedly and continue clumsily eating his dessert with his left hand. He showers her with kisses and gazes at her while she’s eating. Within the first hour, she’s blushed more than she’s ever had with him and she can’t help but smile besottedly.

He insists on wearing their matching rings and River doesn’t have the heart to tell him that she really isn’t the type. Instead, she lets him slip it on the ring finger of her left hand, completely lost in the tender way he looks at their joined hands adorning matching rings.

“There.” he presses a sweet kiss to the ring on her finger. He turns his tender gaze to her and flushes, still not used to the attention he’s giving her.

He spends the entire night trying his very best to make her smile, and he’s remarkably good at it. He teases her about Ramone but he can’t quite keep the jealous spark out of his eyes and she rolls hers, wondering when she started finding possessiveness so bloody attractive. Must be him.

She insists that Ramone is just a friend who happened to be there when she needed him, but that it is better they stay exactly that - friends. The jealous spark hasn’t faded yet, so she very pointedly turns her gaze to his left hand, taking it gently and pressing a kiss to the tip of his ring finger.

“I haven’t forgotten who I’m _really_ married to, husband.” she whispers, leaning in to nudge his cheek with her nose.

The tension lifts a little and he dips his head to press a kiss to the tip of her nose. That’s another thing that confuses her about this Doctor - he’d been so adamant of his opinion on touching back on that crashing spaceship, but now he can barely go two seconds without pressing his lips to some part of her. She can’t help but think that if he were any other person, his back would be broken by now. But this is the _Doctor_ , and it feels amazing to be wanted by him. To be desired by him. To be _loved_ by him.

Well, he hasn’t actually said the words yet, but she’s fairly certain - or more accurately, she hopes - that the Doctor feels that way. It seems that he’s done everything else right, but when it comes to saying those three words he just can’t quite manage it.

It’s alright though, she thinks, if he doesn’t exactly feel the same way. She’s spent almost two centuries loving the Doctor - almost two centuries accepting the fact that he may never love her the same way. She’s fine with that.

For now, it’s enough to be the center of his attention.

*

She follows his lead. She’s not willing to push him into anything more than he’s comfortable with, even if that means forgoing sex. She tells him so, and he gives her that tender look with that warm smile. She likes that look.

His hands shake as he leads her to their bedroom in the Tardis. He hasn’t been in there since their last farewell a thousand years ago and he’s certain that it’s covered in dust. When he opens the door, however, it looks exactly as it was the last time he saw it. He silently thanks the Old Girl and turns to River.

She’s smiling at him tentatively. He’s never seen her so hesitant to touch him before, not even when she was still studying in the university. Knowing that it’s because she doesn’t want to push him too far, he tugs on her hand and pulls her close.

“No more hiding, River.” he whispers. His hands trail up her arms and into her hair, pulling it out of its ponytail. He watches as the golden ringlets tumble down over her shoulders, framing her face. “I want all of you. Every damaged piece and every whole one, too.”

She sighs as his hands move to cup her cheeks, holding her face and stroking her skin.

“I mean it.” the sincerity in his gaze makes her breath her hitch and he knows that he has her attention. “I want to do this properly this time. I want to know everything, River. I want to know when you feel happy, and I want to be there when you need to cry. Fuck all that ‘hide the damage’ nonsense. Let me see you hurt, River. Don’t hide from me again.”

Tears swim in her eyes as she tilts her head up at him. “Only if you promise the same thing, darling.”

He grins. “Always.” he promises.

She nods and he bends down, sealing their promise with a kiss. A hand moves from her face to her waist, pulling her closer and deepening their kiss.

He never wants to let her go. The prospect of spending twenty-four linear years (plus two while they wait for the sun to set) with her has made him almost giddy with happiness. For once, they’ve got plenty of time. He intends to spend every second by her side.

“I’ve missed you so much, dear.” he says after they part. She gives him a warm smile.

“And I you, my love.”

He shakes his head and she tilts hers, frowning.

“River, I haven’t seen you for so long.”

“Neither have I, darling - ”

“A thousand years.” he takes a shaky breath and licks his lips. “It’s been over a thousand years since I last saw you.”

Her eyes flicker up to meet his and even in the dim light of their bedroom, she can see clearly the tears gathered in his eyes. She feels his grip on her waist tighten even though the hand on her face continues its gentle caress. She swallows, staying quiet and waiting for him to continue.

“Doctor?” she asks when he doesn’t speak for a few moments. He shakes his head again and she nods, waiting.

“So many things have happened, and I - I’m not the same anymore.” he sounds strained, like he’s forcing the words out. “I’m not the same as the one you married - ”

“I don’t expect you to be,” she says calmly, her hands moving up and down his chest in soothing strokes.

“River, you don’t - I’m trying - ”

“I love _you_ , Doctor.” she forces him to look into her eyes. “Not your face.”

He isn’t ready yet, so he kisses her instead of answering.

*

It’s the same damn argument again.

They’re four and a half weeks into their stay in Darillium and they’ve been house hunting together. At the time, it seemed like the perfect gift to her - proof of his commitment to the next twenty-six years.

Now he isn’t so sure about that.

She was being... difficult. There was no other way to put it. She’d look over each house with a careful eye and was quick to point out exactly what she didn’t like about it - which was fine, but then she’d say something like, “Honestly, darling why are we even _bothering_ with something like this?” and it sounded just a _tad_ too much like she didn’t want to stay. Which would always lead to the same argument.

“Don’t be an idiot, Doctor.” she snaps, slamming the Tardis door behind her and ignoring the dignified hum that was made in protest. “Of course I’m staying, I can hardly _leave_ now, can I? You on the other hand - ”

“If I didn’t want to stay, I wouldn’t fucking bother.” he spits back, and the surprise on her face shows. He’d normally just storm off to the library and leave her to stew in peace until one of them feels guilty enough to find the other. “So don’t _use_ that as a fucking excuse. It’s becoming annoying.” he sighs and scrubs a hand down his face. “Why are you making this so difficult?”

“Why are you treating this like you expect it to be easy?” she counters, folding her arms. “We’ve been here four weeks, Doctor, and all we’ve been _doing_ is fighting, and when we’re not doing _that_ , we’re fucking - is that really what you want?”

He turns to face her. His glare matches hers in intensity and neither of them waiver. She’s hurting, he can see that, but unless she opens up and stops hiding like she’d promised, he’ll never understand why.

“I want _you_.” he says quietly. “I told you that, River. But if you won’t tell me what’s wrong how the hell am I supposed to fix it?”

“Stop trying. You can’t fix it.” she says, shaking her head.

“Tell me anyway.” he steps closer to her. “You promised me you’d stop hiding, River. I’m holding you to that.”

“That’s what you promised me too, Doctor. We promised each other that there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us but we’ve barely talked since then. Every time I try to bring it up you make sure to distract me. Is this what you meant by spending twenty-six years together? Not talking at all, just fucking? Because I’ve got to tell you, Doctor, you don’t get to give me this goddamn ring and then tell me you’re keeping me here for twenty-six years just so you can have me for a few quick fucks - ”

“Jesus fucking _Christ_ , River!” he shouts. “What the _hell_ do you think we’re buying a fucking _house_ for?” he demands, raking a hand through his silver hair and messing it up. “I’m trying to - to _tell_ you that - ”

“Then _tell_ me!” she shouts back. “Just _tell_ me, Doctor. You could buy all the fucking _palaces_ in the entire universe but it won’t mean a damn thing if you can’t even _talk_ to me!”

She exhales slowly and pinches the bridge of her nose, shutting her eyes. “I don’t need grand gestures or - or dramatic declarations. Just words. Because the last time we were together - I know it’s been a thousand years for you, Doctor, but it’s only been a year and a half for me and - and we were _here_ , doing the exact same fucking thing and we haven’t even _acknowledged_ it happened, and I can’t pretend it never happened, Doctor. I’m too - it _hurts_ too much for me to be able to do that.”

“You know I didn’t mean anything I said, River.” his voice is rough and his eyes are rimmed red.

“No I don’t.” she says flatly. “Because you haven’t said a thing.”

“I didn’t mean what I said.” he says again and she raises her eyebrows expectantly. He pauses, telling himself to suck it up because she’s waited long enough for an apology - he’s a thousand years overdue. She’s still hurting from that last argument and it’s his fault. He’d been stupid to expect her to forgive and forget so easily; he’d had closure, she hadn’t. He should’ve known, really. _Stupid_ , Doctor.

“I - I don’t - I’m not good at this. Words.” he clarifies. “This body’s rubbish with emotions and apologies and I can’t change that. But I’ll try for you.” he swallows and adds quietly, “Anything for you.”

Her eyes soften instantly and she relaxes a little, but keeps the distnace between them.

“I don’t blame you for Manhattan, or anything else. I was - I was a total arse to you that night because the pain was still - still fresh and all I wanted was to stay with you. I was stupid and selfish and even though I knew that Amy was better off following Rory it still hurt to lose them both.” he pauses, then licks his lips as he tries to remember the apology speech he’d written over a thousand years ago. “You’re not an obligation. Frankly I have no idea where you got that idea from because that’s just utter _rubbish_ and - and just wrong. I know I bollocksed everything up when I threw our tie out - that’s why I got you that ring instead. You didn’t deserve all that bullshit, River. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a better husband, but I _promise_ \- I _swear_ that I - ”

He cuts off abruptly, the words stuck in his throat. He regrets it instantly when her eyes fill with tears and her voice comes out timid as she asks, “Do you? Did you, I mean, did you really - ”

She cuts of abruptly too, not brave enough to say the words because once it’s said, she can’t take it back. She’s not sure she can handle the honest answer - it was one thing to know, and quite another to be blatantly told. She isn’t sure how she’d react to him telling her that he doesn’t love her.

“I - ” he tries again, but it doesn’t come out.

He growls in fustration because he doesn’t understand how it could be so hard to tell her when he _feels_ it - stronger than ever. Why is it so hard when she’s _perfect_ and _everything_ and he finally feels _right_ in this skin because she’s with him? Why is it so hard when she makes him choke on his laughter and makes him forget about every single horrible thing that’s been plaguing him since he’s been left alone? Why is it so fucking _hard_ to tell her when all she ever bloody does is make him _feel_?

She sighs and shakes her head. She moves away but changes course, deciding that she too, owed him an apology for all the bullshit she’d said to him.

“I can’t say that I didn’t mean anything I said that night,” she begins honestly and he flinches, looking away. She ignores him. “But most of the things I said were only meant to hurt you. And _I_ threw the bow tie first. I didn’t - I hadn’t expected you - ” she swallows as she remembers the indifference with which they’d _both_ handled their bow tie. “I’m sorry. We were both idiots and I knew that if I stayed I’d resent you for not allowing me to grieve on my own. We’re not meant to live together, Doctor. We’re not meant to have a normal life together, even if we both wanted one. We’re not domestic, _look_ at us - barely five weeks together and we’re already at each other’s throats. How are we supposed to survive twenty-six years together like this? Not to mention the fact that you’re not - you can’t - you _don’t_ love me.”

His head snaps up at that and she smiles wryly, wiping a tear away from her cheek as casually as she can with her whole body trembling. She wraps her arms around herself, giving herself the comfort she craves.

“It’s okay, you know. I don’t expect you to - I know you care for me, and honestly, I’m fine if that’s all you’re ever capable of feeling for me.”

She turns to the console and starts fiddling with the buttons and levers.

“Just give me a moment and I’ll be off.”

It suddenly occurs to him that he has to _do_ something, because she can’t just go off when he’s trying to find a way to prove her wrong. The Tardis lets him know when she’s landed already, and in his panic to stop River from leaving him again, he pushes her against the console and reaches in her pocket for the pair of handcuffs she always carries, and cuffs her wrist to the monitor.

“What the fuck?” she exclaims, glaring as he pockets the key.

“Listen to me. Just - just listen to me.” he lifts her off her feet and onto the console, making sure that she isn’t sitting on any buttons or levers that might make her uncomfortable. She watches with a bewildered stare as he sighs but doesn’t move away, crowding her personal space.

He looks down at her with that look again - the one that makes her heart swell and her insides soften because it’s full of devotion and promise and _love_ and -

Oh.

_Oh._

“Melody Pond,” a hand rests gently on her neck and she shivers. She hasn’t been called by her birth name since Manhattan and he knows it. “My beautiful, clever, amazing, _idiotic_ wife.”

She opens her mouth in protest but he hushes her.

“I tried to make things right.” he begins, leaning into her until they’re only a breath apart. “Immediately after I left I tried to find you again - but I kept finding Pre-Manhattan you, and I couldn’t make things right with the other versions - it wouldn’t be fair to _you_. I didn’t stop searching for over two decades. After that, I just couldn’t anymore. It hurt to think of you. It hurt to think about how much _better_ you deserved. It hurt to think about everything we said, especially what our words to each other were. So I didn’t. I though about things that made you happy - buying things I knew you would’ve liked and going places you always wanted to go - because it felt just a little like I’d see you again.” he didn’t add that he had indeed been seeing her then - her in the future, stuck in the godforsaken Library. Those were still spoilers, after all. “I don’t know what I did but you showed up just when I started thinking that I’d be better off alone. And I might be the biggest idiot in the _universe_ , but I’m still not stupid enough to let you go like that. You’re right, you always are - I have been avoiding talking to you, but it isn’t because I don’t want to - I’m just... not ready yet. I should’ve told you that but then maybe I wouldn’t be such an idiot if I did.”

He tilts his head at her, scanning her face and trying to read her. She looks hopeful but afraid, her eyes wide and filled with tears. He feels his hearts clench beneath his ribs. How much pain had he caused her?

His hands move to retrieve the key from his pocket and he reaches up to unlock the handcuffs. He leaves the cuffs dangling, taking her hand and reaching for her other. He cradles her hands in his and takes a deep breath, wishing it didn’t taken her to almost leave for him to come to his senses and just tell her all this.

“When I suggested buying a house together, I meant it as a promise. To always be with you until we’re forced to leave, to try and be someone you deserve. I wanted us to share everything. _Everything_. I wanted it to be the first thing we did in a new house that we share. But now, after everything you said - I can’t change the way I treated you then but I’ll be damned if I let you go on continuing to think like that.”

His lips graze the side of her face and he pulls away, but their hands remain clasped. He goes down on his knees in front of her.

She gasps. “Doctor, what are you - get _up_ , you idiot, don’t - ”

She struggles against him, trying to free her hands so she can pull him up but he squeezes their hands tightly together and presses his body against her legs, restricting her movement. He disarms her with a look and she grudgingly stops, relaxing her stance a little and glancing down at him in anticipation. He bends his head to press two kisses to her knees and looks up at her, admiring how the lights behind her bounces off her hair, making her look positively angelic.

“I change my face and my body and my accent. My tastes change and my walk changes and my bloody clothes change - but I’ve always got two hearts, River.” he manages the most sincere look he can muster and his voice goes hoarse from emotion as he says, “and they’re always, _always_ yours.”

She lets out a shaky breath and manages a tearful smile as she ducks her head for a moment, taking in everything he had said.

“River, I - ”

“You don’t have to, Doctor - not after - ”

“I love you.” he continues stubbornly, ignoring her and pressing his forehead onto her lap. “I fucking love you, River and I’ll tell you that every damn minute for twenty-six years. I’ll keep telling until you believe me and then I’ll _continue_ telling you so you won’t ever forget. I love you, wife.”

She swallows and exhales slowly, tears falling in a steady stream down her cheeks. Her hands stroke his hair fondly as he lifts his head from her lap, looking at her in concern when he sees the tears falling.

“Erm - I, uh, wasn’t rubbish, was I? Did I bollocks it up because I can try again - ”

She throws her arms around him, shaking her head. “Idiot.” she mutters softly, her voice still choked with tears.

She leans on him a little, which is a mistake, because she slips from the console before he can steady them and they both crash onto the floor with undignified yelps. She lands on top of him, their legs tangled and her arms around his head.

He raises his eyebrows up at her. “Eager, are we?”

“Oh, shut up. I hate you.” she grumbles, though she doesn’t try to get off him.

His arms encircle her waist and he rolls them over, careful not to put too much weight on her. He smirks down at her, swooping down to press kisses to her face.

“No you don’t.” he mumbles against her jaw.

She sighs happily as his lips claim hers.

*

River wakes up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. She rolls over in bed to see the Doctor standing by the bed, carrying a breakfast tray and grinning like an idiot. She can’t help but mirror his grin on her own face.

“Morning, wife.” he says, setting aside the tray to get under the covers with her. He leans over to give her her customary good morning kiss, catching her hand before it can travel too far down south. He gives her a scolding look. “River, I’m trying to be romantic. Can you stop trying to grope me for _one_ moment? Bloody minx.”

He hands her a plate and utensils as she sits up, laying the plate on her lap carefully. She takes a bite of the crispy bacon, humming happily.

“That’s not what you said yesterday at the restaurant when I had my foot in your trousers - ”

She eyes him gleefully as he chokes and sputters on his sip of coffee. He glares at her and she smiles innoncently, batting her eyelashes.

“ _Minx_.” he repeats. She laughs.

They’ve been in Darillium for almost three months now, and every day just gets better. They bought a house just outside of Darillium’s shopping district, away from the hustle and bustle of the mainland. They’re very happy with their choice - a decent-sized house with a master bedroom, a guest bedroom and two spare rooms they’ve converted into their own personal offices. The living room is spacious enough and the kitchen slash dining room is perfect for just the two of them. Outside, the Tardis sits in their front yard amongst the grass.

The Doctor has been filling her in on his adventures for the past few weeks since they’ve bought the house. She asked him for a fair amount of details - she didn’t want to miss out on a second, but she knew better than to press him for more than he was ready to talk about. So far, he hadn’t denied her anything - even when it was hard, but he just kept telling himself that River wouldn’t ask if she didn’t want to know.

Besides, he _wanted_ her to know. Talking to River was always easier because she never pushed him to tell her more than he was ready to - which was exactly why he told her everything. She never felt the need to know more than what he told her.

River, in turn, never shut herself out when she was upset. Of course, now that the Doctor’s been telling her how much he loves her every three seconds, days where she actually feels the need to hide the damage have become few and far between. But every now and then the doubts catch up with her - and every single time there was the Doctor, with his angry eyebrows, soft smile and warm kisses, whispering how very much he had _always_ loved her in that Scottish growl she loved so much.

Things just can’t get any better. And yet, with every passing day, it does.

“Breakfast was delicious, darling.” she says, setting her plate aside. He sets his aside too, and puts an arm around her shoulder. She presses a kiss to his cheek. “Thank you.”

He pulls off the sheets covering their laps and tugs her closer, manoeuvring her until she’s straddling him. He gives her that soppy grin before he leans forward, kissing her hungrily.

Kissing her and touching her has become his favourite way to pass the time. Especially if it leads to other activities that encourage even more kissing and touching. It’s so hard to keep his hands off her when she’s just so damn _sexy_ and perfect all the time. She doesn’t even have to _try_ , which makes her impossibly sexier.

“My, my, my, Doctor,” she purrs between kisses, fingers stroking his chest lazily. “You sure do know how to make a girl feel good about herself.”

He breaks away from her and frowns. “I meant to think that.”

She laughs, kissing him soundly again and moving her hips subtly, rubbing against him deliciously in all the right places.

“River,” he growls in protest, but doesn’t stop kissing her. The woman is too damn irresistible for her own good. “We can’t. We’ve got lunch with Nardole in a few.”

“But we _just_ had breakfast.” she pouts at him, then smirks as her finger play with the buttons on his shirt, unbuttoning the first three buttons as she gives him a naughty look that makes his pants tighten. Her voice is low and throaty as she says, “Make me hungry again?”

She doesn’t need to ask twice.

Later, after distracting him three times, they both get up to get ready to meet Nardole. He insists on getting ready separately, saying that he doesn’t trust her to keep her hands to herself while they shower, so he uses the bathroom outside instead.

After showering, she finds a post-it note stuck to her vanity mirror and she smiles, drying her hands quickly and picking it up.

_Dear wife,_

_I’ ve heard that showering can make people think too much, so just in case you forgot, I love you more than anything._

_xx Doctor._

She grins like an idiot, biting her lip. That incredible man. She makes her way to her bedside drawer and takes out a notebook, a quarter way filled with other love notes written by the Doctor. She sticks the note carefully onto a fresh page and replaces it back inside the drawer.

“Found the note?”

The Doctor stands at the doorway, a towel tied around his waist. His hair is damp and untidy, sticking up in different directions. He grins at her, looking pleased with himself.

“If I’d have known a thousand years apart was all it would take for you to be this sappy, darling, I should’ve left a long time ago.” she teases, moving closer to him.

He narrows his eyes and pulls her into his arms, planting a lingering kiss on her lips. “Never again.”

Their lips meet again, more passionately. He presses his body into hers until all she can feel is his damp skin touching her everywhere, and it takes her a moment to realise that both their towels are abandoned at their feet.

“I love you.” he pants between kisses.

He doesn’t give her a chance to answer, shutting the door behind him and pressing her against it eagerly. She hooks a leg around his hip as his lips suck at her neck and she lets out a low moan, all plans forgotten.

Lunch with Nardole can wait. They’ve got time.

**Author's Note:**

> So that’s that! I hope you enjoyed that ending and that it was satisfactory. I want to write more river/doctor fics in the future but to be honest I don’t have lots of plot ideas now so... 
> 
> Till the next time!  
> xoxo Nat.


End file.
